Valera (valera) wrote,

i feel like either killing, or killing myself. I always knew that there was no point in life, that the only purpose of our existence is to continue it. And I was happy with it; not happy, just satisfied. I didn't think that life needed any special meaning or that I had to live up to anything. I still don't think life has a deeper meaning, but now I'm not so sure that it satisfies me. I find myself sitting here, back from my friends' house after watching a stupid movie, back from yesterday's party, back from one part of life and faced with another. A lot of this is brought on by my seemingly difficult situation with school housing and with wanting to buy a motorcycle and not deal with all the difficulties associated with it. But everything I'm thinking now makes sense; I'm not the one to make things up based on my emotions. They're fading now as I'm writing this. But I still don't have a life goal, a driving force that would make me want to do things and to accomplish anything. The little desires I have like wanting a motorcycle, like having a good, stable, loving relationship, etc. - they all seem so trivial, so not worth living for.

Maybe I'm just giving up? - A loser without a cause.

I can force myself to go through with things: to live in a shitty room some distance from school and to have to do everything myself and to take care of myself, to actively look for a motorcycle and actually buy it once I find something, to study every day and every night to better myself, and to do many more things that would supposedly make me so happy. But will I do this? The thought that in the end everything is pointless is slowly creeping in again, there's no getting rid of it.
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